My fiancé and I have discussed how we would approach the topic of sex and sexual intercourse with our children because we both think it is important in this day in age. Sex seems to be thrown around in the media quite blatantly, and it is important to talk to children before they develop ideas that could be harmful or destructive to themselves. Personally, I never developed this trust with my own parents and never had an open forum to discuss questions I had about sex when I was first finding out about it. My parents always relied on the schools to provide the necessary information, but the school only provided horror stories of STDs to scare teenagers into not having sex. I now see that this was a one-sided way to think about it and did not give me an open mind to sex. I just believed that if you had sex you would be punished by receiving a STD or immediately getting pregnant.
My fiancé and I would try to talk about sex with the child like a normal discussion and would not bring it up after having found out that the child was engaged in sexual activity. Not putting special emphasis on it or using “the talk” as a way to punish and embarrass is extremely important in a delicate situation such as this. We both understand that it will be uncomfortable for the child and for us as well, but it is important for the child to feel like there is no consequences to being open and honest with their parents. It is also very important that both parents are present regardless of the sex of the child because it shows support and agreement with both mother and father and builds trust for the child that either parent would be sufficient to go to. We would try to be sensitive to the child’s level of embarrassment throughout the talk and would remain at home so the child would not feel as though we were cornering them.
If the child were female, I would consider as a mother maybe following up with a gynecologist visit to talk about birth control and other contraception options open to her. My own mother was very unsupportive when I began to use birth control, so I want to help my own daughter make those decisions for herself and show my support. I do not believe, as my mother did, that this means she will sleep around with guys, only that she will be protecting herself.
Both my fiancé and I would try to explain the mechanical aspects of sex in brief detail because it is an important part of the learning process. Another important aspect would be to talk to them about protection so they know what to use when ready. What would be most important to explain, however, was the physical and emotional aspects of sex. My fiancé and I believe sex should be about love and should be an expression of love. It should be viewed as a serious commitment that should not be taken lightly. We would explain to the child that it is their body to do with what they will, but they have to be careful about the physical and emotional harm that sexual intercourse can cause. I believe also that our church has a very positive view of sex and that we should support the child in gaining valuable knowledge there as well.
One thing I would never do is say that the child was absolutely restricted from having sex or trying to give the child a negative view of sex. This will only hurt the relationship between parents and children and cause secrecy and intrigue. Sex should be an open discussion between parents and children when they are teenagers and should be a choice that the child makes for themselves.
I found that you were putting an emphasis on not embarrassing your child and I think that is a great consideration because many teenagers don’t approach a responsible adult to get sex information because they are embarrassed. You should keep in mind that in order to ensure that there is nothing embarrassing in the topic you should not act embarrassed. I am the baby of the family (like my brother says the accident) my oldest sister is fifteen years older than I am, and I am one of five. My mother had had “the talk” with four of my siblings already and she felt pretty confident about discussing the topic, but no one in my family will forget a dinner conversation we had one day when I was six years old. Like I mentioned my siblings are much older and one day I overheard my sisters talking about sexuality. We were having dinner one night and the table went silent when I asked: what is sex? My mom turned red, my dad’s eyes widened, and everyone else was silent. My mom tried to simplify it by saying it means weather you’re a boy or a girl. I wasn’t buying it I wanted to know everything. I kept asking more and more questions and my mom just quit trying to persuade me and decided to be honest with me. She did not give me a long explanation of things instead she just waited for my questions and responded only the information that I wanted to know. I was a pretty curious child but if I was approached with truthful information I would ease my curiosity and let things go. I am still known for having the ability of creating the most awkward dinner conversations.
ReplyDeleteWhen we are starting a family our only choice is to project what we might do in certain situations to better prepare ourselves for the actual event. You are right in thinking through your process thoroughly and anticipating scenarios. I have a 19 year old daughter who is a freshman at UNT. You mentioned “open forum” as being important when speaking to your teen about sex. I can say from experience of raising my daughter with openness and honesty throughout her life and in all areas, that indeed an open relationship with your child is important. In retrospect, what I can tell you is that the key is not simply in teen years but throughout their growth and development. The topic of sex will come up periodically at different growth stages and at different levels of development. If answered honestly to the level of their understanding and development and with correct anatomical words, it will be easy to discuss the hard questions and issues when they are important. Not only will they listen and trust, but you will too.
ReplyDeleteI think it is important for a child to feel comfortable enough to ask their parents about sex. I agree sex is used by the media as if it's nothing special. One thing I think is important about discussing sex with children is talk to them about sex before the school does. I don't know if the videos have change since I was younger (I hope they have) but it was very general when it came to sex, graphic when it came to childbirth, and horrifying when they discussed STD's. Those videos alone will make a child uncomfortable about sex, that what they did to me and I did not want to relive that by talking to my mom about it. I think it is important to keep the channels of communication open all the time and answer the child's question with patience and honesty.
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